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A Horse Problem submitted by Anonymous
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You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off, and
on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
If you don't know, see answer below:
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Some horses are so polite that when they come to a fence, they stop and let you go over first!
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Riding Rules for OLD HORSEWOMEN - from: HoofPrints March 1 Newsletter www.hoofprints.com
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Somewhere along the way we outgrew (in more ways than one) riding around in those tight, sparkly shirts in front some some judge in a show ring, so we could pay him (or her) to tell us what they thought of our horse - all for a ribbon, and the chance to say we were deemed "better" than the rest of the gang in the arena that day.
Now, we wear what's comfortable, do things with our horses that we BOTH enjoy - and don't care what anyone else thinks. Here are some RIDING RULES for Old Horse Women:
1. We DO NOT need to show up with our hair combed, make up on and wearing a clean shirt.
2. Moaning, groaning and complaining about aching muscles is perfectly acceptable, as is taking Motrin (or something stronger) prior to a ride.
3. Helping someone on or off the horse does not mean the rider is an invalid. It only means the horse got taller overnight.
4. No one will comment about how big someone's butt looks in a saddle.
5. Everyone will wait, patiently, while someone dismounts and adjusts equipment. Everyone will also wait, patiently, until that person remounts and is ready to move on...no matter how long that takes.
6. When a horse is acting up we will accept that the horse is just having a bad hair day and it is not the rider's fault.
7. Mentioning it is too hot, too dry, too humid, too wet, too buggy, etc., is considered self expression, not whining.
8. Wanting to be first, last, walk, or just stop does not mean the rider is a wimp. Sometimes it is necessary to teach a horse who is in charge.
9. We will take the time to discuss the important issues of the day like who is dating who, who is cheating on who and any other relevant information which needs to be passed on.
10. We will acknowledge that horses are very strange animals and sometimes for no reason at all we fall off of them. If this happens to any rider the other riders will ascertain that the person is okay and then not mention the incident to another living soul, especially husbands and significant others.
11. We will acknowledge, without apology, that riding more than 6 hours increases our grumpy level far more than any ego benefits we may get from riding longer.
12. Our horses are not fat they are "big boned".
13. I need to keep this TWH riding mysterious and strange sounding. If everyone else finds out how much fun it is the price of the horses will go up and I won't be able to afford a dozen of them.
(author unknown)
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Catholic Horses submitted by Fr. Ralph, Florida, Florida
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Mitch, a hard-shell Southern Baptist, loved to sneak away to the racetrack. On occasion he did moderately well, but it was usually a losing proposition. One day he was there, betting on the ponies and losing his shirt, when he noticed a Catholic priest, attired in the traditional cassock, step out onto the track and bless the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, this horse--a very long shot--won the race.
Mitch was most interested to see what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the priest step out onto the track as the horses for the fifth race lined up, and placed a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winnings and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed up, blessed a horse, Mitch bet on it, and it won! He was elated!
As the day went on, the priest continued blessing one horse in each of the races, and it always came in first. Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew all of his money from his sav-ings account and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet all his money on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. Mitch bet every last cent he had, from his winnings and his savings account money. He watched the race with an inhuman interest, screaming and yelling, only to see the horse he had bet everything on come in dead last.
Mitch was dumbfounded. He made his way to the track and when he found the priest, he demanded, "Father, what happened? I've watched you all day. All day you blessed horses and they won. That last race, you blessed a horse and he lost. Now I've lost all my savings, and today's winnings, thanks to you!!"
The priest nodded wisely and said: "Well, my son.....that's the problem with you Protestants.....
you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites."
Back
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Awh.... come-on, THINK!
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Only Horse People... by Anonymous
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* Believe in the 11th Commandment: Inside leg to outside rein.
* Know that all topical medications come in either indelible blue or neon yellow.
* Think nothing of eating a sandwich after mucking out stables.
* Know why a thermometer has a yard of yarn attached to one end of it.
* Are banned from Laundromats.
* Fail to associate whips, chains and leather with sexual deviancy.
* Can magically lower their voices five octaves to bellow at a pawing horse.
* Have a language all their own ("If he pops his shoulder, I have to close that hand and
keep pushing with my seat in case he sucks back".)
* Will end relationships over their hobby.
* Cluck to their cars to help them up hills.
* Insure their horses for more than their cars.
* Will give you 20 names and reasons for that bump on your horse.
* Know more about their horse's nutrition than their own.
* Have neatsfoot oil stains on the carpet right next to the TV.
* Have a vocabulary that can make a sailor blush.
* Have less wardrobe than their horse.
* Engage in a hobby that is more work than their day job.
* Mucking stalls is better then Zoloft any day.
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Answer to "A Horse Problem:" Get the hell off the merry-go-round!
Back
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ANSWERS TO TRIVIA QUESTONS
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Q. What is a ‘prophet’s thumbprint’?
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A. A birthmark in the form of an indentation, usually found on the side of a horse’s neck. It’s believed that a horse with suck a mark will be outstanding, as it is allegedly a descendant of one of the five brood mares that the Prophet Mohammed particularly treasured and marked with his own thumbprint.
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Because of Love
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A brother and sister had made their usual hurried, obligatory pre-Christmas visit to the little farm where dwelt their elderly parents with their small herd of horses. The farm was where they had grown up and had been named Lone Pine Farm because of the huge pine, which topped the hill behind the farm. Through the years the tree had become a talisman to the old man and his wife, and a landmark in the countryside. The young siblings had fond memories of their childhood here, but the city hustle and bustle added more excitement to their lives, and called them away to a different life.
The old folks no longer showed their horses, for the years had taken their toll, and getting out to the barn on those frosty mornings was getting harder, but it gave them a reason to get up in the mornings and a reason to live. They sold a few foals each year, and the horses were their reason for joy in the morning and contentment at day's end.
Angry, as they prepared to leave, the young couple confronted the old folks "Why do you not at least dispose of The Old One." She is no longer of use to you. It's been years since you've had foals from her. You should cut corners and save so you can have more for yourselves. How can this old worn out horse bring you anything but expense and work? Why do you keep her anyway?" The old man looked down at his worn boots, holes in the toes, scuffed at the barn floor and replied, "Yes, I could use a pair of new boots. His arm slid defensively about the Old One's neck as he drew her near with gentle caressing he rubbed her softly behind her ears. He replied softly, "We keep her because of love. Nothing else, just love." Baffled and irritated, the young folks wished the old man and his wife a Merry Christmas and headed back toward the city as darkness stole through the valley. The old couple shook their heads in sorrow that it had not been a happy visit. A tear fell upon their cheeks. How is it that these young folks do not understand the peace of the love that filled their hearts?
So it was, that because of the unhappy leave-taking, no one noticed the insulation smoldering on the frayed wires in the old barn. None saw the first spark fall. None but the "Old One." In a matter of minutes, the whole barn was ablaze and the hungry flames were licking at the loft full of hay.
With a cry of horror and despair, the old man shouted to his wife to call for help as he raced to the barn to save their beloved horses. But the flames were roaring now, and the blazing heat drove him back. He sank sobbing to the ground, helpless before the fire's fury. His wife back from calling for help cradled him in her arms, clinging to each other, they wept at their loss. By the time the fire department arrived, only smoking, glowing ruins were left, and the old man and his wife, exhausted from their grief, huddled together before the barn. They were speechless as they rose from the cold snow covered ground. They nodded thanks to the firemen as there was nothing anyone could do now. The old man turned to his wife, resting her white head upon his shoulders as his shaking old hands clumsily dried her tears with a frayed red Bandana. Brokenly he whispered, "We have lost much, but God has spared our home on this eve of Christmas. Let us gather strength and climb the hill to the old pine where we have sought comfort in times of despair. We will look down upon our home and give thanks to God that it has been spared and pray for our beloved most precious gifts that have been taken from us.
And so, he took her by the hand and slowly helped her up the snowy hill as he brushed aside his own tears with the back of his old and withered hand. The journey up the hill was hard for their old bodies in the steep snow. As they stepped over the little knoll at the crest of the hill, they paused to rest, looking up to the top of the hill the old couple gasped and fell to their knees in amazement at the incredible beauty before them. Seemingly, every glorious, brilliant star in the heavens was caught up in the glittering, snow-frosted branches of their beloved pine, and it was aglow with heavenly candles. And poised on its top most bough, a crystal crescent moon glistened like spun glass. Never had a mere mortal created a Christmas tree such as this. They were breathless as the old man held his wife tighter in his arms.
Suddenly, the old man gave a cry of wonder and incredible joy. Amazed and mystified, he took his wife by the hand and pulled her forward. There, beneath the tree, in resplendent glory, a mist hovering over and glowing in the darkness was their Christmas gift. Shadows glistening in the night light. Bedded down about the "Old One" close to the trunk of the tree, was the entire herd, safe. At the first hint of smoke, she had pushed the door ajar with her muzzle and had led the horses through it. Slowly and with great dignity, never looking back, she had led them up the hill, stepping cautiously through the snow. The foals were frightened and dashed about. The skittish yearlings looked back at the crackling, hungry flames, and tucked their tails under them as they licked their lips and hopped like rabbits. The mares that were in foal with a new years crop of babies, pressed uneasily against the "Old One" as she moved calmly up the hill and to safety beneath the pine. And now, she lay among them and gazed at the faces of the old man and his wife.
Those she loved she had not disappointed. Her body was brittle with years, tired from the climb, but the golden eyes were filled with devotion as she offered her gift---
Because of love. Only Because of love. Tears flowed as the old couple shouted their praise and joy... And again the peace of love filled their hearts.
This is a true story
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Incurable Riding Disease... by Anonymous
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Do you suffer fron the following symptoms?
You realize that your everyday language is peppered with words like “whoa,” “get up!” “over,” and you find yourself uttering clucking sounds to the people in front of you in the grocery store checkout line.
Your barn bill is higher than your rent/mortgage.
What exactly is :fine jewelry” anyway? All of your rings are misshapen, flattened on one side from where the reign presses against your finger.
When people ask about how your significant other is, you think they’re talking about your horse.
Your car has become a rolling tack room, filled with old boots, saddle pads to be taken home and washed, bits f hay. You forget what color it really is under that ever-present layer of barn dust.
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Tech Support for Horses
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Dear Tech Support,
Recently I purchased and installed Horse 1.0. I soon noticed that this program appears to have numerous glitches. For instance, every time my computer boots up, I have to run Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. Many times I've been in the middle of writing an important document, and a window will flash telling me to run Clean Stall 2.0. This program also contained applications I did not wish to install, such as Manure 8.5, however they auto-installed with Horse 1.0. Applications such as Vacation 2.7 and Free Time 10.1 can no longer run, crashing whenever selected. Possibly the worst is that Horse 1.0 has attached itself to programs like Finance Manager and MS Money, with folders added such as "Monthly Shoeing" and "Winter Blanket". Periodically, I'll get a reminder telling me to send a check to the manufacturer of Horse 1.0 for the aforementioned items. I have tried to uninstall Horse 1.0 numerous times, but when I try to run the uninstall program, I get warning messages telling me that a deadly virus known as "Withdrawal" will infect my system. Please Help!!!!!
THE REPLY:
Dear User,
Your complaint is not unusual. A common misconception among users is that Horse 1.0 is a mere "utilities and entertainment program." It is not - it is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its' creator to run everything! A warning will soon be imprinted on the box. Since you have already installed Horse 1.0, here are a few tips on how to make it run better. If you are annoyed by the applications Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1, you may run C: \HIRE HELP, however this will cause another folder to be added to financial applications, labeled "Staff". Failure to send payment to "Staff" will result in Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1 being run again on startup. A note of caution: NOT booting up your computer for several days isn't the solution to avoiding Feed 5.3 and Water 7.1. You will find that, when you boot up your computer again, a nasty virus called "Colic 4.2" will have attached itself to important documents and the only way to rid your computer of Colic 4.2 is by purchasing and installing "Vet 10.1", which we admit is extremely expensive, but crucial. Otherwise, Colic 4.2 will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Finally, it is important that you run C:\Carrots and C:\Scratch Ears on a fairly regular basis to keep the application running smoothly. If you have any more questions, please call our toll free number.
Sincerely, Tech Support
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Horse Treats
4 c sweet feed
3 c molasses
1/2 c flour
2 apples, grated
2 carrots, grated
1/4 c brown sugar
Preheat oven to 400º. Mix all ingredients. Form into 1-1/2 in. balls. Press flat on greased cookie sheet. Bake for 15-30 min. Let cool.
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